inspirations

But with the message of faith already in my mind, I was delighted when first talking with the new midwife on the phone, to see a rainbow hovering over the garden! They seem to show up a lot for me in important times. Maria seemed wonderful and fully understanding of my somewhat alternative thoughts around birthing. Then the first time she came to see me I jumped up to get the door and badly sprained my ankle. This led to me having to make some much-needed changes in our household routine. The day it happened I was horrified, I was 7 months pregnant and looking after a toddler! But I realised that I had a choice in how I viewed this turn of events and I chose to be open to a positive outcome. I saw that I literally had to let more support in, as I couldn’t even put my foot to the ground that day. I had taken on the brunt of our first child’s care and was getting seriously burnt out. I could no longer rock him off to sleep standing up, so my other half had to learn how to get him down, which was a huge and necessary freedom to me with the new baby on it’s way. Strangely enough my ankle healed in an incredibly short time and within a few days the pain had completely subsided. I also realised that life was inviting me to receive more support for the birth rather than going it alone.

I started researching the birth pools, knowing from my first birth that having one already set up and heated when I went into labour would be a great benefit. My partner was concerned about cost, but remembering my message of faith I told him that I was sure we’d find a way. When I came across Birthworks, I said a little prayer first before calling. Their pool was beautiful and had the works in terms of heating and cleaning so I knew this was the one I wanted to use. The person I spoke to responded kindly to my questions and was willing to help me find a way to have the pool. I held the faith and it all came about easily.

The theme of faith went on, I was relieved to go into labour around midnight, whilst my little one was sleeping. This had caused some concern, as we were not sure who was going to be able to take him if it had happened during certain days or times. My labour progressed beautifully until around 3am, when from inside the toy box came the eerie ring of a toy phone! I said to my partner that I was sure this meant that we were to call Maria now and she quickly came and joined us. Soon after though, things seemed to slow down. I was getting very tired and my other half Nevon was starting to fall asleep having worked all night. But my body had started to try and push the baby out, even though I was not fully dilated, I felt really blocked and the pain was getting hard to stand. The midwife and I started to suspect that all was not well, but she reminded me to focus on my faith and made me walk up and down the stairs to see if this would move him.
Now it was nearing 6am when my little one would wake, so Nevon called my parents to come over and get him. Though they lived 5 minutes away, after an hour and half there was still no sign of them, I was now in serious pain and was also concerned and angry at their non-arrival. The toddler was yelling for me, Nevon had the television blaring upstairs trying to distract him and I was getting very stressed. Again Maria tried to remind me of my intentions of faith, but by this time I was no longer able to keep it together. I demanded an ambulance take me to hospital, I knew that something was really going wrong with my labour and I became convinced that the only way I could have my baby was by caesarean. I was shocked to be having such a different experience from my first labour and yet totally clear that there was no way I could manage to cope at home with the level of pain I was in. My parents finally arrived and I was taken off to hospital.

I arrived after a 2 minute ambulance ride at the very hospital that I ‘d been born in, the last place on earth I would’ve been willing to have my baby in under any other circumstances. Yet within 45 minutes of arrival there, surrounded by four kind and loving midwives and a totally supportive partner, I gave birth without drugs to my lovely little boy Jared. During that short ride, I’d dilated the 5cms necessary and the baby had moved into the right position.

Looking back I can see that my tiredness and the apparent ‘abandonment’ by my parents had activated my personal birth trauma and my body had gone into closedown. But through surrendering to an experience bigger than me and relinquishing my attempt to have the ultimate homebirth, I was led to have an even bigger healing than I could have imagined.

The first person to see me after the birth was my Mother and being held and helped by her in those vulnerable moments was a deeply bonding and loving experience. It definitely overwrote with positivity, the last experience we’d had together in that hospital when I was born.

Plus the birth brought me more in touch with other women, as I now understood what so many women go through in birthing their babies. I’d previously secretly thought that those who used drugs had really not given it their all. Now I know just how challenging birth can be and that I was very lucky indeed in my first birth. Interestingly, the following day, having had that realisation, my neighbour spontaneously opened up and shared some very deep feelings around her birth experiences, which I accredit to my being more open and accessible through my own.

Later that day in the garden, whilst the others in the house were asleep, I got the clear message that faith is about more than trusting that I can create what I want in life, it is also about staying faithful when things go in unexpected ways. Through this, healings, heart openings and support can happen, leading to a clearing of the past and a deeper, broader connection to life and those around me.

Back to the neural pathways, I have a choice, I can either go down the old routes, and see my parents, my partner and my life as unsupportive, or I can remember that this is just an old habit. I can stop myself before I go there again, intentionally strengthening the new pathways so I will have new experiences, which will then in turn further deepen my faith.